"衰收尾"

Tonight is the "real" farewell to the team head in a closed small-scale gathering afterall (after all the holidays, all the posting thing as well as rumours).  What he is going to tell me tonight? Did he standby me during the process?

Set aside the acting, it's been a mess in holding this gathering.  13 people used to raise their hands and it turned out only 7 did really sit at the dining table.  Almost half...  Some were sick, some were disappeared, some were out of town.  Amongst the 7 people attended, just realised that I was damn fucking hell the only one showed up in BOTH the official farewell as well as this small-scale one.  For instance, I roughly spent $800 on the farewell of someone (who also accidentally leads to my current situation).  How stupid I am.

Over the dinner, upon early departure of the disappointing supervisor, I was expecting the team head to tell me something (or at least reveal what he felt on this comedy).  Till the end of the dinner, he finally said "衰收尾".  Okay, that's it.  Of course I turst him, like I did during the last similar occasion half a year ago.  The mystery is still - Why is it?

All the way back home, I realised it's not indeed a new thing to me to "衰收尾".  Ever since the time of Ms Yuen till now, history repeats itself.  Together with hh, the conclusion is I'm having a life full of lies and excuses. 

- you are handsome and smart
- you are presentable
- you are having plenty of chance....in the future
- you are expecting a "normal" wife
- you are expecting a "normal" home

You know what, the turth is nothing is going to happen.

Up? Everything is just down....all the time.

So we were actually having the farewell dinner for team head on the same night when posting was released, that means I was masked from the outcome the whole night.  However, the truth is I heard from another colleague that I was "granted" the chance to take up the place.  How radiculous it is to know my fate from a third party (should be fourth party indeed)?

In the middle of the dinner, I was finally "told" by my supervisor that this acting thing will be a temporary one until a new real one (she said s i o that moment and turned out to be a c i o) comes and it would probably be till 4 weeks after when the big big head retires.  So fantasies came about acting pay (yea, money after all).

Then happy merry christmas~~~

Just now, after the holidays, with formal departure of the team head, I was told this acting thing is a "fake" one which will last for 2 weeks. WTF!!!  A new team head will be coming and everything will resume normal 2 weeks later.  What the hell to keep that secret when there is actually nothing confidential and surprising at all!!??  Just fucking go to hell.

This chapter is coming to an end

Okay, eventually it's Thursday 13/12/12 today.  All the rumours, noises, news, guess and expectations would be cleared.  Upon today's posting release, someone is going to take the team head's place and I will be freed from all the imginations and fantasies of climbing up the ladder.

Still remember the similar feeling upon the departure of my supervisor half a year ago, of course, I was dumbed last time.  From my "sixth sense", same outcome is expecting as till now in the first half of the day, I was not given any clue about the upcoming arrangement. 

Well, again and again, who cares? Not even about my importance in the team.  You don't need to report or tell or whatever shit comes from your mouth.  No interest at all to know.  Then, I will live my life without any distrurbance from you, for sure.  Just don't expect me as your soilder.

再見斌仔

我同大部份既香港人一樣, 只係傳媒報導中認識斌仔, 至日前, 亦從報導中得知斌仔離開了我們的世界. 講了解斌仔, 當然談不上, 只係單從佢既故事佢既經歷, 給予我地三思我地每一個人對生命既看法同態度.

斌仔04年請求安樂死電郵節錄 (轉自蘋果日報)


‧「我認為對一個生命的最大尊重，並不是不理任何原因硬要維持生命…我只想將自己的命運重新掌握在自己手……有尊嚴地離開這個世界。」

‧「每天二十四小時我都是在病床上，所有飲食、大小便、清潔、轉身、睡覺、全都是假手於人……我可說是不折不扣的廢人一個。」

‧「我想終止這無了期的等待，可是我就連自殺的能力也沒有，每日都是活在孤獨、寂寞、無奈、痛苦當中。」

從以上的文字我明白佢對生命對自己當時既想法, 無論對自己對身邊既人, 可能佢生命既結束絕對係一件不壞既事. 但問問自己, 我何妨不是一個無理想無希望既人, 想掌握生命, 想擺脫孤獨既生活呢? 咁我係咪都想結束自己既生命呢?

其他人一定會話, "你行得走得, 有手有腳, 有老婆有工作, 你覺得你有資格同人講不幸, 講放棄嗎? "從另外一個角度睇, 就係我有手有腳有老婆有工作, 都有著同一種對生命既失望之餘再加送對家人對社會既責任, 我如果連有呢個失落既感覺都無資格有的話, 我其實真係咩都無.

斌仔, 我唔肯定你在離開既時間既想法, 但既然我地被給予生命, 我地都可能被收回, 不同既只係時間同形式. 希望在我地在世間生活既時間, 有著不同既經歷, 享受也好, 受苦也好, 都總算嘗過. 希望你在天父既國度有另外一種既生活. 安息.

Continuous downfall and difficult time

Okay, things are getting difficult for me these days.

Like the latest retirement of my immediate leader, the team head will be leaving before X'mas. And similarly, uncontrollable expectation would appear regarding the chance of acting up. Posting will be issued next week and frankly I admitted the retardation of myself since the intrusion of n.t.. The truth is I have been unable to work in parallel with her and to adapt to her style. The problem now is not about the chance of acting up but the long term cooperation with her.  However, everything will be clear by next Thursday (13Dec).

Today the team head took a chance to talk to us about his belief in work. Nothing new to me, it's about the management of pressure, stubbornness to work and our role as a special team here. One last aspect was career prospect, he mentioned about "順" "逆" that one may sprint faster at "順" while strengthen the foundation at "逆". I was not sure whether that was given to me but it got obvious when he delivered to n.t. about the reinforcement work during festive period (some kind of handover). For instance, she is going to take his seat (to sprint) and I will have to strengthen myself.

Yesterday we had a gathering with the previous leader, she was calm as usual and never responded to my grievances. I didn't expect her to change radically to yell at anyone for me, the only feeling I got was "I'm alone and no one is going to help nor even share with me". The expected outcome will be, again, I will be left un-notified for every arrangement. Super~

So who cares?! (can't even be honest to myself.......WTF). To appreciate what I have, to be satisfied on what I have. What's the point to care all these stupid arrangements! There might be good thing that someone will be taking her seat and separate the "distance" between us. Brilliant.