Can't imagine these are happening around us here and now....
十年前，結識新朋友是交換名字，交換電話；十年後，做朋友是交換卡片，交換電郵。
十年前，認識而有來往的，叫朋友；十年後，認識而有來往的，大部分叫同事。
十年前，能夠談天的都是知己；十年後，能夠慷慨解囊的才算朋友。
十年前，聖誕節是朋友節，普天同慶；十年後，聖誕節即情人節，請勿打擾。
十年前，每月的零用錢，是公開的秘密；十年後，工資是不能公開的秘密。
十年前，朋友聚會是汽水與籃球；十年後，朋友敘舊是啤酒與Ｋ歌。
十年前，什麼話題也可以刨根問底；十年後，我們熟練「點到即止」的技巧。
十年前，約會沒有目的；十年後，沒有目的就沒有約會。
十年前，什麼場合都適用AA 制；十年後，每餐總有被請或請人的理由。
十年前，見面每問「讀了什麼書」；十年後，見面只問入了什麼股。
十年前，相約看電影，結伴去暢泳，日子無憂無慮；十年後，相約做婦檢，結伴做按摩，生活疲憊多慮。
十年前，習慣直斥對方的缺點；十年後，學懂包容對方的短處。
十年前，只需學習與朋友相處；十年後，還要懂得與朋友的另一半相處。
十年前，大家活在相同的生活圈子?，簡單而專一；十年後，我們在不同的圈子打滾，複雜而多變。
十年前，我們漫談「理想」；十年後，我們謾罵「現實」。
十年前，認定的那幾個知己金蘭；十年後，謝天謝地，他們依然如故，與我常在。
2008年1月19日 星期六
開始了
內心的掙扎大得不得了, 面對著一個不再對自己有任何期望的人,一個不再愛自己的人....一個自己都不再有希望的人, 我該怎樣做.
我再一次說謊, 說自己要做義工. 我和你到一個你十分喜歡的地方, 享受了一個一直都未試過的時間. 沒有名牌, 沒有商場, 沒有cafe, 沒有食物, 沒有空調, 沒有人煙....就只有我倆, 很sweet, 很難想像自己會說出這樣的一番話, 但這一切都屬於我們.
我們就這樣, 這樣手執手, 抱起來, 吻起來...我們就這樣開始了. 不相信這是最佳的時間, 但希望我們可以一同面對. 心裡有著一種不能用言語表達的幸福, 能夠有你的包容和信任, 我可要求什麼?
對她, 我嘗試用最平和的語氣和她討論, 換來的是我原來沒有提出到那一間商店坐下. 她在試探我嗎? "如果問題真的解決不了, 又可如何?"
我再一次說謊, 說自己要做義工. 我和你到一個你十分喜歡的地方, 享受了一個一直都未試過的時間. 沒有名牌, 沒有商場, 沒有cafe, 沒有食物, 沒有空調, 沒有人煙....就只有我倆, 很sweet, 很難想像自己會說出這樣的一番話, 但這一切都屬於我們.
我們就這樣, 這樣手執手, 抱起來, 吻起來...我們就這樣開始了. 不相信這是最佳的時間, 但希望我們可以一同面對. 心裡有著一種不能用言語表達的幸福, 能夠有你的包容和信任, 我可要求什麼?
對她, 我嘗試用最平和的語氣和她討論, 換來的是我原來沒有提出到那一間商店坐下. 她在試探我嗎? "如果問題真的解決不了, 又可如何?"
2008年1月18日 星期五
可做不可講/ 講不出口
對你, 我重拾那種小時候噯味的感覺, 溫暖但不實在, 一心的希望, 希望終有一日我們會開花結果. 我們互相關心, 互相幫助, 互相想念, 互相靠近, 盡一切的時間一起. 我們對對方每一方面都充滿好奇和新鮮, 不論什麼都可以笑一番記一番. 對於大家的缺點, 我們永不放大, 保持包容和積極, 並將它放在心裡, 靜靜地等待改善的來臨. 一切皆是美.
對她, 我失去了一同生活一同分享的動力, 失去話題, 實在但空虛. 等待, 希望終有一天我們會得到解決, 我們互相指責, 互相啞忍, 互相忍瞞, 獨自生活, 盡所有的藉口做自己喜歡的事. 我們對大家的事物都失去新的動力, 可以不做的都不做.對於大家的缺點, 我們會在爭執時不斷放大, 希望對方信服並感到慚愧. 一切皆是命.
身邊的人也開始發現我們有不對勁的地方, 太刻意吧! 奇怪的是沒有一個同學有意向我們提出, 是我放風說和自己女友有問題做得太差, 或是他們真的猜中我心中所想?
享受那種噯味的感覺, 但問題應該如何解決? 對你, 我說了太多不刻說的話, 不刻做的事. 我不值你如此為我受苦.
很想放低, 很想講出口, 但我無勇氣.
對她, 我失去了一同生活一同分享的動力, 失去話題, 實在但空虛. 等待, 希望終有一天我們會得到解決, 我們互相指責, 互相啞忍, 互相忍瞞, 獨自生活, 盡所有的藉口做自己喜歡的事. 我們對大家的事物都失去新的動力, 可以不做的都不做.對於大家的缺點, 我們會在爭執時不斷放大, 希望對方信服並感到慚愧. 一切皆是命.
身邊的人也開始發現我們有不對勁的地方, 太刻意吧! 奇怪的是沒有一個同學有意向我們提出, 是我放風說和自己女友有問題做得太差, 或是他們真的猜中我心中所想?
享受那種噯味的感覺, 但問題應該如何解決? 對你, 我說了太多不刻說的話, 不刻做的事. 我不值你如此為我受苦.
很想放低, 很想講出口, 但我無勇氣.
2008年1月12日 星期六
She .... kissed me
Never thought of breaking up with HH, to now, it's just about timing. Initiative? Marriage, appearance, way of thinking, family background, job, spending habit, celebration of special dates...
Still remember a chill out night with soccer team put us together. I spent a night with headache at your dorm. Since then we started our time. Another chill out night linked up two of us, heart to heart. I admitted I pretended to be drunk but the moment was the best time I have ever had. Your touch, your word, your kiss. I will never forget. Is it my problem to fall into a person that easy with a specific set of condition?
A text right after we set off to go back separately. I can't control my feeling deep in my heart. You are not drunk, we both weren't, we simply like each other. It's not necessary for me to like you when you said so, but deep from my heart, I know who I'm looking for and I simply don't know how to react and to do to sort things out.
Outgoing, hard working, active, reasonable size, caring, non-marriage oriented and smart.
vs
Outgoing, lazy, non-active, sunshine unacceptable, more than reasonable size, marriage and offspring oriented, caring, bad temper and smart.
It's not a proper thing to compare but as a direction guiding what I should do. Then what I should do?
it's the first v-day we are having and it's arranged that we can be together (dunno it's lucky or not)
thanks for giving me no pressure and trust me, but even i have no confidence on myself when facing this problem, but having you backing me up and looking forward to the future we might have, i'm charging up to wait for a better timing to have it done
from the little experience i had, people change when time goes by and i'd expect we will change from time to time, the most important thing is how we treat each other
i can't promise anything but at least at the moment i lost the patience and feeling that i used to have with her and i love YOU
there's a long long way to go and i'd love to walk with you hand in hand
i shouldn't have done that to you, it's unfair to you, it's and assault to you, it's not proper for us during this stage.
I wouldn't treat we have had started until things got settled
i love you and may be categorised as lo to, you are the one
Still remember a chill out night with soccer team put us together. I spent a night with headache at your dorm. Since then we started our time. Another chill out night linked up two of us, heart to heart. I admitted I pretended to be drunk but the moment was the best time I have ever had. Your touch, your word, your kiss. I will never forget. Is it my problem to fall into a person that easy with a specific set of condition?
A text right after we set off to go back separately. I can't control my feeling deep in my heart. You are not drunk, we both weren't, we simply like each other. It's not necessary for me to like you when you said so, but deep from my heart, I know who I'm looking for and I simply don't know how to react and to do to sort things out.
Outgoing, hard working, active, reasonable size, caring, non-marriage oriented and smart.
vs
Outgoing, lazy, non-active, sunshine unacceptable, more than reasonable size, marriage and offspring oriented, caring, bad temper and smart.
It's not a proper thing to compare but as a direction guiding what I should do. Then what I should do?
it's the first v-day we are having and it's arranged that we can be together (dunno it's lucky or not)
thanks for giving me no pressure and trust me, but even i have no confidence on myself when facing this problem, but having you backing me up and looking forward to the future we might have, i'm charging up to wait for a better timing to have it done
from the little experience i had, people change when time goes by and i'd expect we will change from time to time, the most important thing is how we treat each other
i can't promise anything but at least at the moment i lost the patience and feeling that i used to have with her and i love YOU
there's a long long way to go and i'd love to walk with you hand in hand
i shouldn't have done that to you, it's unfair to you, it's and assault to you, it's not proper for us during this stage.
I wouldn't treat we have had started until things got settled
i love you and may be categorised as lo to, you are the one
Week 11/12 大dut大dut
有太多東西想記, 又有太多東西想放低. 已經是week12, 老實說所有negative的感覺包括過份的高壓, 同學的相處, 不能回家見家人朋友好朋友, 沒有任何entertainment, 休息不足及質素低等已經沒有, 和大部份自己人生裡經歷過的階段一樣, 由mid-term以後已開始進入enjoy的時間, 更希望的是時間可以過慢一點, 讓自己多欣賞在training時身邊的人和事.
這兩星期可以說是training的honeymoon, 沒有太多功課測驗, 當然亦沒有太大的驚喜, 查記package的課大部份都是以guest lecture形式進行, 又不會例入final, 所以明顯大家都放鬆了心情, 大玩特玩. 遊戲太多, 在此盡力記低:
啤碑 (com棉toy, 7級豬, 13張);
mind games (數羊仔, open-close, 9宮格, 超級市場, 小明, black magic, 砰砰砰邊個死, abcd);
懲罰games (俄羅斯輪盤, 懲罰太多, classic的有驅魔偉, 肥仔倒樹充, 打電話同女同學傾計);
身體力行games (轉手爭轉長短, 打頭用手指抬起一個人, 手掌貼地自轉360度, 單腳站立離地);
nds;
吹水;
玩得超開心, 亦玩得用心, 每個人才可分享這份感覺. 當然並不是所有人都有這感受, 但思想critical的我就時常不自覺地crit其他人, 說其他班的人不成熟, 外貌不揚, 說同學性格有問題, 不盡力常逃避...在mid-term interview時班主任說我和別人相處不錯, 在外邊生存應該問題不大, 回想起來這個應該是最大的問題, 我就是最喜歡在一班人面前crit另外一班人, 以表現自己. 餘下8個星期, 我會改變嗎?
今個星期有第一次的resistant training 打架堂, 好好玩, 有學習有case又practical. 但當日是第一次見到她因為受屈辱哭起來, 一個平日堅強非常, 有愛心, 又會關心別人的她突然失去了那份calmness, 兩眼通紅. 曾經一同因為show parade深深不憤和就坐在她身邊的我不知所措, 很想打開兩手讓她哭但事實不能, 不作理會就更不合. 希望時間會為她帶來放得低的力量.
星期三第一次walk out, 食海鮮, 食得超快但來得有趣.
星期五, 放學後唱k, 今次感覺不同上一次, 上一次自己人natural high, 今次有其他人的另一半, 需加酒精協助. 今次亦讓成她對我說出口的一次.
這兩星期可以說是training的honeymoon, 沒有太多功課測驗, 當然亦沒有太大的驚喜, 查記package的課大部份都是以guest lecture形式進行, 又不會例入final, 所以明顯大家都放鬆了心情, 大玩特玩. 遊戲太多, 在此盡力記低:
啤碑 (com棉toy, 7級豬, 13張);
mind games (數羊仔, open-close, 9宮格, 超級市場, 小明, black magic, 砰砰砰邊個死, abcd);
懲罰games (俄羅斯輪盤, 懲罰太多, classic的有驅魔偉, 肥仔倒樹充, 打電話同女同學傾計);
身體力行games (轉手爭轉長短, 打頭用手指抬起一個人, 手掌貼地自轉360度, 單腳站立離地);
nds;
吹水;
玩得超開心, 亦玩得用心, 每個人才可分享這份感覺. 當然並不是所有人都有這感受, 但思想critical的我就時常不自覺地crit其他人, 說其他班的人不成熟, 外貌不揚, 說同學性格有問題, 不盡力常逃避...在mid-term interview時班主任說我和別人相處不錯, 在外邊生存應該問題不大, 回想起來這個應該是最大的問題, 我就是最喜歡在一班人面前crit另外一班人, 以表現自己. 餘下8個星期, 我會改變嗎?
今個星期有第一次的resistant training 打架堂, 好好玩, 有學習有case又practical. 但當日是第一次見到她因為受屈辱哭起來, 一個平日堅強非常, 有愛心, 又會關心別人的她突然失去了那份calmness, 兩眼通紅. 曾經一同因為show parade深深不憤和就坐在她身邊的我不知所措, 很想打開兩手讓她哭但事實不能, 不作理會就更不合. 希望時間會為她帶來放得低的力量.
星期三第一次walk out, 食海鮮, 食得超快但來得有趣.
星期五, 放學後唱k, 今次感覺不同上一次, 上一次自己人natural high, 今次有其他人的另一半, 需加酒精協助. 今次亦讓成她對我說出口的一次.
2008年1月6日 星期日
改變
發覺自己開始變. 是因為身邊的環境在改變, 或是因為身邊的人在改變, 或是自己真的在內心改變呢? 記得自己每次投入一段(其實只得一次)感情時, 都會給自己和對方說, 除非對方不再愛自己, 否則自己不會放棄或要求分開. 但今天的我似乎變了, 對著等待五年的她, 我開始失去耐性. 沒有改善過的身軀, 變壞了的脾氣, 變淡了的溝通, 肉體上的關係, 一切都慢慢將我們之間的距離拉開.
不能不承認的是training和另外一個她的出現, 沒有特別的話題, 沒有特別的家庭背景, 沒有重大的責任, 我們只是在每天的課堂上互相照顧, 假期時在深夜以msn晝晝解悶, 似乎一切都來得十分自然. 亦因此我開始變, 很難相信自己會為心安理得而去encourage分手, 再可以和她開始新的關係, 但事實上我真的在實行這無恥的行為.
還記得和她初相識時她也一樣considerate, 一樣細心, 一樣溫柔, 一樣美麗, 是每個人都會隨時間而改變, 或是我要求太高?
我應該知足嗎?
是我會錯意嗎?
不能不承認的是training和另外一個她的出現, 沒有特別的話題, 沒有特別的家庭背景, 沒有重大的責任, 我們只是在每天的課堂上互相照顧, 假期時在深夜以msn晝晝解悶, 似乎一切都來得十分自然. 亦因此我開始變, 很難相信自己會為心安理得而去encourage分手, 再可以和她開始新的關係, 但事實上我真的在實行這無恥的行為.
還記得和她初相識時她也一樣considerate, 一樣細心, 一樣溫柔, 一樣美麗, 是每個人都會隨時間而改變, 或是我要求太高?
我應該知足嗎?
是我會錯意嗎?
2008年1月4日 星期五
I dunno
Things has been getting really different this week. Owing to the re-commencement of residential training, this blog can only be updated weekly. A honeymoon week after mid-term, with some public holidays in between, time went really fast. However, unlike the first few weeks that I hoped time could have gone faster, I quite enjoyed the situation at the moment. Of course it's about the adaptation to the training environment and pace, but most importantly is KL.
Just after the bbq in the weekend and her blog's comment, KL was so so so different from the others of the class. And to me, no more praising to Peter, who was a strong and handsome guy I would say in a man's view, she started leaning to me, inch by inch, taking care of me, talking to me, waiting for me, even she had nothing to do in the classroom in the night.
My feeling is .... who doesn't like being liked? And luckily, she is really nice and smart one. From a little discussion in the boy's dormitory, she was rated as the best in the class. Wow....am I dreaming?
Apart from that, what about HH? I owe her too much, really too much. Frankly, fight and fight, we are getting to a really bad situation as a couple. We had nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to do. I kept on demanding her to lose weight and she kept on complaining me of lacking time to be with her. I dunno.
Just after the bbq in the weekend and her blog's comment, KL was so so so different from the others of the class. And to me, no more praising to Peter, who was a strong and handsome guy I would say in a man's view, she started leaning to me, inch by inch, taking care of me, talking to me, waiting for me, even she had nothing to do in the classroom in the night.
My feeling is .... who doesn't like being liked? And luckily, she is really nice and smart one. From a little discussion in the boy's dormitory, she was rated as the best in the class. Wow....am I dreaming?
Apart from that, what about HH? I owe her too much, really too much. Frankly, fight and fight, we are getting to a really bad situation as a couple. We had nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to do. I kept on demanding her to lose weight and she kept on complaining me of lacking time to be with her. I dunno.
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