sad, disappointed, down, hopeless....you name it

I wish there would be a word (no matter what language it is) describing how negative I'm. I used to be enthusiastic toward my future having a good job offer, good progress on my way to be a civil servant, a strong guy, a good family, a good outlook, a funny character, a good girlfriend. There are all walking away now.
Just finished calling back to Scout. The story is I got the call from Scout last week saying that I was offered as Assistant Camp Manager. Today, when she called back, I decided to reject it. I know I might regret after. And at the same time, NB, the Kenneth said there won't be confirmation in the coming 10 days cos of the lag from the US HR. So, what will I do?
I was always looking for something or someone respecting me as a man, as an adult, as an educated. Now, there's nothing for me, nothing. I know it's not logical for my writing now but I just wanna keep my feeling. Another reason I have such feeling is when I told HH how bad I felt, she said to me "我唔想聽". Right, she has no responsibility to hear my confessions or just my rubbish words. But listen, I'm not looking for a reply like this and I feel fuckin bad now. I feel bad.





everytime i read anything from you cheering me up, i just wanted to burst out cry
staying at home facing the wall is like a hell, time runs damn slow but i just can do anything meaningful
i gave up being successful or rich anymore, cos i admitted rich is always rich, poor is always poor and i just have nothing that makes a change to me, not even the first step, i feel disappointed to my life, to what i have done, to the effort i spent, to everyone around me, i just admitted the truth
honestly, not just feel disappointed, i'm jealous of whom i know who did have at least a "chance", fay sum, kitson, alvina, sin, ida, shu, mei, colin. I dun mean to look down on them, but at least I believed i'm good enough to take all the positions applied, but turned out they are the ones who are working, and it's never going to happen to me
you know what, i told you earlier that i didn't want to apply too many companies, cos i didn't want to reduce the chances left. i dun want to get rejected by all the big companies in hk, it will be the biggest shame i would have ever had
the worst feeling is i found no interest in everything, i know i can go out, meet friends, exercise, but suddenly i found nothing works for me, and i even can't taste food the worst, everything i ate was bitter
i know i'm pushing myself into the corner, the thing is i dunno how to get out of it
i heard a position from kokay seemed fits my expectation, it was filled
i found another one on the web, and a colleague told me it was filled, things seemed just mean toward me
i never think of using alcohol on facing any problem, but i did it the first time
i dun feel i'm a man, i heard from tele that sex and job make up a man, and i dun feel like a man even lossing one of two, a man who is educated and healthy has no job, how can it be?
thanks for everything you have done to me, everything you sent me