Week 11/12 大dut大dut

有太多東西想記, 又有太多東西想放低. 已經是week12, 老實說所有negative的感覺包括過份的高壓, 同學的相處, 不能回家見家人朋友好朋友, 沒有任何entertainment, 休息不足及質素低等已經沒有, 和大部份自己人生裡經歷過的階段一樣, 由mid-term以後已開始進入enjoy的時間, 更希望的是時間可以過慢一點, 讓自己多欣賞在training時身邊的人和事.
這兩星期可以說是training的honeymoon, 沒有太多功課測驗, 當然亦沒有太大的驚喜, 查記package的課大部份都是以guest lecture形式進行, 又不會例入final, 所以明顯大家都放鬆了心情, 大玩特玩. 遊戲太多, 在此盡力記低:
啤碑 (com棉toy, 7級豬, 13張);
mind games (數羊仔, open-close, 9宮格, 超級市場, 小明, black magic, 砰砰砰邊個死, abcd);
懲罰games (俄羅斯輪盤, 懲罰太多, classic的有驅魔偉, 肥仔倒樹充, 打電話同女同學傾計);
身體力行games (轉手爭轉長短, 打頭用手指抬起一個人, 手掌貼地自轉360度, 單腳站立離地);
nds;
吹水;
玩得超開心, 亦玩得用心, 每個人才可分享這份感覺. 當然並不是所有人都有這感受, 但思想critical的我就時常不自覺地crit其他人, 說其他班的人不成熟, 外貌不揚, 說同學性格有問題, 不盡力常逃避...在mid-term interview時班主任說我和別人相處不錯, 在外邊生存應該問題不大, 回想起來這個應該是最大的問題, 我就是最喜歡在一班人面前crit另外一班人, 以表現自己. 餘下8個星期, 我會改變嗎?

今個星期有第一次的resistant training 打架堂, 好好玩, 有學習有case又practical. 但當日是第一次見到她因為受屈辱哭起來, 一個平日堅強非常, 有愛心, 又會關心別人的她突然失去了那份calmness, 兩眼通紅. 曾經一同因為show parade深深不憤和就坐在她身邊的我不知所措, 很想打開兩手讓她哭但事實不能, 不作理會就更不合. 希望時間會為她帶來放得低的力量.

星期三第一次walk out, 食海鮮, 食得超快但來得有趣.

星期五, 放學後唱k, 今次感覺不同上一次, 上一次自己人natural high, 今次有其他人的另一半, 需加酒精協助. 今次亦讓成她對我說出口的一次.

改變

發覺自己開始變. 是因為身邊的環境在改變, 或是因為身邊的人在改變, 或是自己真的在內心改變呢? 記得自己每次投入一段(其實只得一次)感情時, 都會給自己和對方說, 除非對方不再愛自己, 否則自己不會放棄或要求分開. 但今天的我似乎變了, 對著等待五年的她, 我開始失去耐性. 沒有改善過的身軀, 變壞了的脾氣, 變淡了的溝通, 肉體上的關係, 一切都慢慢將我們之間的距離拉開.
不能不承認的是training和另外一個她的出現, 沒有特別的話題, 沒有特別的家庭背景, 沒有重大的責任, 我們只是在每天的課堂上互相照顧, 假期時在深夜以msn晝晝解悶, 似乎一切都來得十分自然. 亦因此我開始變, 很難相信自己會為心安理得而去encourage分手, 再可以和她開始新的關係, 但事實上我真的在實行這無恥的行為.
還記得和她初相識時她也一樣considerate, 一樣細心, 一樣溫柔, 一樣美麗, 是每個人都會隨時間而改變, 或是我要求太高?
我應該知足嗎?
是我會錯意嗎?

I dunno

Things has been getting really different this week. Owing to the re-commencement of residential training, this blog can only be updated weekly. A honeymoon week after mid-term, with some public holidays in between, time went really fast. However, unlike the first few weeks that I hoped time could have gone faster, I quite enjoyed the situation at the moment. Of course it's about the adaptation to the training environment and pace, but most importantly is KL.
Just after the bbq in the weekend and her blog's comment, KL was so so so different from the others of the class. And to me, no more praising to Peter, who was a strong and handsome guy I would say in a man's view, she started leaning to me, inch by inch, taking care of me, talking to me, waiting for me, even she had nothing to do in the classroom in the night.
My feeling is .... who doesn't like being liked? And luckily, she is really nice and smart one. From a little discussion in the boy's dormitory, she was rated as the best in the class. Wow....am I dreaming?
Apart from that, what about HH? I owe her too much, really too much. Frankly, fight and fight, we are getting to a really bad situation as a couple. We had nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to do. I kept on demanding her to lose weight and she kept on complaining me of lacking time to be with her. I dunno.

Week 9 and 10 half way through

more and more course mates are thinking of quitting, siu hung, ah wai, pong pong and tsang. To me, do i really enjoy? It seems it's not the question in my mind but how can I get rid of the current situation and leave here with pride. Compare with them, i'm not as professional as they are, i'm not as young as they are, i'm not as smart as they are. It's obviously my last choice and the only choice. So focus, play safe and save as much as I can.
Mid term was eventually finished with everyone passed as according to the intelligence from CM. Congrads. There are still 10 weeks for us to face! Really looking forward to the coming hiking, management exercise, RC, swimming, camp and passing out. Officer is not just about the pips on our shoulder, but the way we look at our job, the way we present in front of the others.
Not much to learn these two weeks, but the most important EXPRESS system which will govern our fade in the coming years. After Christmas and New Year, time to back to residential training again.

Special feeling again

Can't remember when I had such feeling. The special but comfortable, heartbeating but natural feeling. Was it from HH? Or from Kwan? I can still remember the theory I told the others "all girls are easy-going and considerate before getting together". This time is KL, from the first day she caught my attention with her cute hair cut, to the out-going character which she presented in the class with male domination, then to the time of residential training when she pealed fruit for us every night. Tonight, we just had bbq at a course mate's place, it's so neutral that we were both in the working party, went shopping and lunch and had fun. Then we shared same all food items we cooked. These were all little things that no one really cares, but it just different to us, from a course mate to a friend, to a friend whom we are connected in some ways other than verbal.
At the same time, me and HH is having a big fight, again. The same problem, presented in a different way this time. It really doesn't matter what that was, it's about the way we trust each other and communicate with each other. I'm not looking for a gf with model appearance and figure, but a normal gf whom I can go out with her confidently. Who may enjoy being stared on the street in such a negative way? I know it's also my problem not actively helping out. What I should do then? Keeping waiting? Letting go? Forcing?
P.S. just checked the xanga of her....."a special feeling, will keep going naturally". Do you really know?

WK 7 and 8 Give up Gear up

WK 7 Can't be seven
Sometimes it's just so hard to rationalise what I'm doing. Failure after failure, but okay, I will have my promise kept, no more failure!
Mid term examination will be arranged on 24/12, which I think of being one of the most memorable christmas.
Cap 115 done
PC package done
RC started
Squad leading started
Voluntary work done

WK 8 Preparing to hell
Seemed to be a normal and easy training week which I had just an unexpected amount of "day-sleeping" time. There were chance to go to the airport applying for a staff permit, to go somewhere other than "Golden" for jogging and a 7K running competition. However, it's not simply an easy as it apparently showed, but a week preparing me to go to the hell next week. From next week, residential training will begin again till the end of training in March and most importantly, mid-term examination will be arranged on 24/12 which meant I will be preparing and revising in the camp. What will happen? Fail again? I even have no room to think about it.
And, what about Christmas this year? And a funny thing just heard today (sat), I was on the W/L of someone......
Learning points:
7K (To Lo Harbour)+ 4K (Maclehose trail) run
VC package started
Supervisory Mangement Programe meeting II completed
APC supervision completed
The biggest matches in England - ManU v Liv and Che v Ars will be missed owing to the return to the camp on sun night.

反省wk5

已經完成wk5, 一切都唔再可以做藉口, 唔適應, 唔熟悉, 唔上力, 唔知道.....談不上大進步, 但起碼開始知道部門對自己的要求. 是否真的要唔笑唔叫唔開心口黑面黑, 一副enforcement樣子, 100% alert, 坐直企直行直. 與ACM的meeting後的確多少有更多的肯定, 但重點是我是否做得到, 我又是否適合? 大大話話的前20年, 不如意事時有發生, 但每天的我可說仍然是樂天一派. 作為一個終生career, 一世保持這副認同的樣子, 我真的做得到嗎?
第5次test完成, 又fail. 今次欠1.25分. 隨之見到eric在drill ground給ACM痛斥(大大力個隻), 在他眼中, 見到一絲絲的淚光和憤怒, 其他人又會因為事不關己而開心嗎?joey, 突然在場上不支下巴落地, 一身鮮血, 那份可怕的壓力和堅持, 究竟為什麼?
Learning points:
Physical: 4.8k, staircase running for 6X12/F, weight training
Residential: 2 wks
Drill: march, march turning, eyes right
Others: walkie-talkie usage, union introduction
Ordinance: Cap.331 done, Cap.115
PC package: clearance exercise (4 correct out of 20, wow)